The End

this is going to be a big reflection one. I'm in Singapore Airport and very tired, so it might not make much sense. But here goes.

On my last day I went out shopping with Kiri, a kiwi from wellington who volunteered at the same home I was at and is back for a visit, helping out in the office. We took Kammal, who is one of the VSN drivers. Wow, what would I do without him?? I wouldn't have bought half the stuff I did without him. Because he is Nepali, we got local prices on a lot of the stuff we bought, as opposed to tourist stuff. By the way, this shopping thing is like some form of racism...one guy we tried to by prayer flags off said he couldn't give us local price because we were tourists, white. I presume Kammal was trying to say they are volunteers, been here for ages etc etc, and the guy did give us a reasonable price in the end, but the common opinion is white = money. Not white = someone trying to help out in their country. But I don't suppose they want to think that. Cos thinking white = money is probably more true for them, and in turn gets them more money, and on the cycle goes.The funniest one for me was today, I was looking at this bracelet, a stone one that no one in their right mind would pay more than 50 rupees for...I asked how much, he said 500. I laughed, said, I've been here for a long time, it is my last day, I only have 20 rupee left. I wasn't actually interested in it, so I walked away, and he yelled after me 'ok! yes! miss!' I just laughed and kept walking, but its interesting. Very interesting. So shopping was good, a lot of fun in the given company. The rest of the day, I packed, I soaked up the atmosphere of Thamel, which is crazy and awful and awesome all at the same time, and then I went out to dinner with the folks who were in town (only two people from the december group were there, but that was ok)...Dinner wasn't actually that good. I was mostly in my own wee world, thinking 'home. home! home? home...' This morning I woke up really early, had a (hot!) shower (the lights were on too, luxury!) then wandered the streets waiting and watching them wake up. Went on line and chatted to mum, got my results of exams and I wasn't very happy...came back to the hotel room half an hour before I got picked up and just bawled. Cried and cried and cried. Because I wish I was staying longer. Because I wish it didn't happen at all. Because I've changed so much, and because I'm so proud of myself. Because its such a beautiful place but its so broken too. Because I wish I could have done more for the kids. Because the immense confusion I'm feeling right now and have been feeling since I left Chitwan is too much. Because I haven't had a hug from my sister in 7 weeks. My dads cooking in 7 weeks. A face to face chat with my mum in 7 weeks. A date with my boyfriend in 7 weeks.


But the thing is, after the 3 week mark was passed, I could have been in Nepal for a lot longer. Right now I feel like it wasn't long at all, but I remember the first 3 weeks being the longest ever. And I believe, especially after seeing Ngaire (the one I worked with, been here for 4 and a half months), that the kids get so much more out of a long term volunteer. I reckon if I had taken a wild leap and signed up for 5 months I would have been able to do so much more for the kids. I feel like this trip has been more of a benifit to me than to the people I came to help. Still, you have to do these things in small steps. Next time. Next time.



When the plane took off I cried again. I could see the city and the mountains and the rice feilds all stretched out below me and what an amazing sight it was. I remember coming in to land on the 29th of November 2008, looking out over that city and hearing a song Westside introduced me to: 'Your the god of this city, your the king of these people...greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city...' I was full of big ideas about what I was going to do. Maybe thats a mission I still have to fufill. Maybe I had to come to Nepal to get real about it, get an understanding, so when i come back I CAN bring some of those greater things. Maybe I had to grow up, in Nepal, first. Maybe something like Nepal was the only way I would grow up. Shrug. I don't know.



Man, if you've got this far and are still reading, top work.



Singapore Airport is too much for me. Its doing my head in. I was standing in the line for BK, then suddenly I was like, no way, I can't stomach this, so I went and got samosas and a masala tea from the indian place next door. Funny. And I keep looking at all these freaking decorative lights thinking 'what a waste of power'. In the seven-eleven I had to stop and remember not to say 'namaste!' to the woman at the counter. I wasn't even there for long, but from what I've noticed its HOW you spend your time in a place that really counts. People can go for a holiday in Nepal. Chitwan is a prime example of that. But when you throw yourself into the culture, live it, as I did for the most part i believe, you become so much more attached. I'm attached. I really am. Christchurch better sell beaten rice somewhere...

I'm only going to find out just how much I've changed when I start interacting with the people at home. My way of thinking may have changed, Nepal may have affected me lots already, but I think I'm only going to realise quite how much when I get back home and start hanging out with friends and family. It'll be interesting, both to see how I react, how they react, and what their opinions are of the changes. Because I've been going through them, I can't see them as much as someone who has a memory of Sophie leaving, and a memory of sophie coming back, and not so much in between. I'm quite nervous about that.

i'm going to stop rambling for now. if youve got this far, leave a comment, and congratulations, i might buy you some chocolate. heh. please do comment though. i'm so confused...
but im smiling too.
so at least theres that.
as the nepalis say - what to do?

then they shrug.
and grin.
and offer you daal bhat.